The Party
by nightwire
Summary: All the Titans have gathered on Titans Island for a Midsummer Party. But Raven isn't the least bit interested, in anything. Especially not Aqualad... (And in the second chapter, a certain little green-skinned goof writes a dorky fanfic about it, which is something he should NOT have done!)
1. Chapter 1

(tgnmemory version 2)

"Wisdom is the province of the aged, but the heart of a child is pure."

- Hrundi Bakshi

"The Party"

He was like a young god, risen from the sea. Tall and leanly muscular; his lustrous jet-black hair, swept back carelessly, his deep midnight-grey eyes that glistened with a profound vitality. Yes, profound, oceanic vitality. The blonde Kryptonian girl stood beside him, mesmerized and transfixed, staring at his face and nodding slightly as he spoke. He smiled at her, not seeming to notice that she was completely enthralled with him. She smiled and stared up at him, drifting slowly closer, drinking him in with her eyes.

What were they talking about? Raven couldn't tell, she was too far away. Raven was about forty yards from them, walking along the cobblestone path that marked the perimeter of the island's terraced garden. The hood of her cloak was pulled down over her forehead, casting her eyes in shadow. She pretended to be lost in thought, not paying attention to anything in particular. Every few seconds, she stole a peripheral glance in the general direction of Aqualad and Supergirl.

Supergirl. Stupendous superior Supergirl. Stupid stupid Stupor-Girl. Supergirl, who shows up unannounced at the Titans midsummer party. Falling from the sky, like a gift from Justice League Twinkie Heaven. Light and bright, flouncy and bouncy, with her cascading platinum-blonde hair, and her big fish-eating grin, and her treacle-sweet Sandra Dee giggle, and her little la-la-la look-at-me super-girlie costume, a costume which - let's face it - may as well have been painted on, and then she wanders around, making various cheerful but somehow condescending remarks about everybody and everything, until she notices Aqualad, and she walks right up to him and starts yapping away, and she's been talking to him for the last forty-seven minutes, monopolizing his attention like she owns him or something, and nobody else could even get near him, even if they wanted to.

Not that Raven wanted to talk to Aqualad. She would never want to do that, not in a million-billion years. Of course not. No way. But, if for some reason she did want to talk to Aqualad, it would be nice if she could. Not that she wanted to. Because she didn't want to. Of course not.

Raven glanced down into the garden again. People were milling around, talking and drinking pink lemonade or iced tea, or Tahiti Treat. Robin always insisted on serving Tahiti Treat, because he liked the stuff, and apparently it contained vitamins. Right now, Robin was wandering from table to table, lighting citronella candles. It would be getting dark soon.

Beast Boy was swinging from tree to tree, hanging multi-colored patio lanterns. Cyborg was barbecuing half a cow over a large open pit. Starfire was blasting the charcoal with repeated salvos of minibolts from her fingertips, trying to get the fire to burn hotter. Supergirl could help with that, if her heat-vision really was all it was cracked up to be. But no, she was much too busy talking to Aqualad. Geez, if she was standing any closer to him, she'd be inside his shirt. Probably what she had in mind, anyway.

Supergirl. Who the hell did she think she was? She really wasn't even a real Titan, she really had no real business being here, really. She should just go away, go hang out with some of her oh-so-important Justice League pals. Robin should really tell her to get lost, or hit her over the head with a Kryptonite crowbar, or something. Yes, Robin should really do something like that. Because, because she didn't belong here, and society has to have rules, because without rules all you have is anarchy, and insane nihilism.

And, speaking of anarchy and insane nihilism... It was at this point that Argent came walking along the garden path towards Raven.

Raven looked up as Argent approached her. Argent was a small crazy girl, with a satin-metallic complexion, and crazy red-on-black spiked hair. Argent was wearing an oversized Ramones t-shirt, and tight black jeans. Argent had a spiked leather wristband, and a necklace of safety pins. Argent was insane, and most likely British.

"Hiya, Argent." Raven said glumly. She really was in no mood to talk to anyone. With the possible exception of Aqualad. Who she didn't want to talk to. Of course not.

"Raven. We need to have a word." Argent took Raven by the sleeve, and led her off the pathway, down into a small hidden rock garden behind a cedar hedge. Raven went along with this, mostly because she was too miserable to resist.

"Okay, Argie. You want to have a word, so let's have a word." In the back of her mind, Raven wondered what Argent was up to. Probably something demented; Argent was, after all, Argent.

Argent glanced around quickly, as if she was afraid of being overheard. She lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "Okay, Raven, here's the thing. I've been watching you, and I know what you're up against. But no worries, I can help. At the first opportunity, I'll distract the blonde bimbette long enough for you to swoop down on Aquaboy, you know, move in for the kill."

Raven felt her eyes starting to glaze over. She sighed wearily. "Argent, I have no idea what you are talking about. Which apparently makes two of us. I don't want to kill Aquaboy, erm, Aqualad. Please go away now, Argent. You are insane, and most likely British."

Argent smiled. "I didn't mean literally kill, kill. Figure of speech, innit? I meant that I can distract the super-tramp long enough for you to plant your flag on Mister Amphibian, get him to pledge allegiance to the Republic of Raven, that type-thing."

Raven bristled. "I have no desire to plant my flag on anyone. Now will you please run along, Argent?"

Argent shook her head in disbelief. "Are you having a laugh? You've been watching Aqualad for the better part of an hour. Are you trying to tell me that you're not the least bit keen on him?"

"That is exactly what I am trying to tell you." said Raven.

"Look me in the eye and say that." Argent demanded.

"I will not." Raven said quickly.

Argent smirked knowingly. "Tell the truth and shame the devil, Raven."

This caught Raven off-guard. Azaratheans were supposed to be truthful, as a general principle. Especially Azarathean adepts, like herself. And even though she was far from being a typical Azarathean adept, outright lying made her feel somewhat morally icky. And, Argent was sort of her friend, after all. In an insane and most likely British kind of a way.

Raven looked at the ground. "Okay. All right, Argent. There is a tiny bit of truth in what you say. Like, less than one percent. A teeny-tiny, microscopic grain of truth. But, it's not what you think. Sometimes I enjoy talking to Aqualad, but only because he has some brilliant insights about... paranormal phenomena, and things."

Argent nodded. "Oh, of course. Paranormal phenomena. And things. Absolutely."

"So, you understand my, um, situation?" Raven said cautiously.

"I understand completely," Argent said, "and you have nothing to worry about. I can keep Supergirl occupied, while you and Aqualad wander off and get paranormal."

"It's not like that." Raven insisted.

"Of course it isn't." Argent said.

"Anyway, it would never work," Raven said bleakly, "Supergirl is a super-girl. Hence the name I suppose. She is her, and I am... me. That's the plain, hideous truth of it."

Argent looked surprised, and made a funny British noise. "Phwa? Camon, Raven! Don't sell yourself short. You've got that dark and mysterious quality, boys find it irresistible. Most of them, anyway. The discerning ones. Why, not ten minutes ago, Speedy said that you were one spicy poptart."

Raven jolted with alarm. "A spicy poptart?"

"It's a good thing, trust me," Argent said reassuringly, "in fact, coming from Speedy, it's practically a love-sonnet."

"Hmpf. If you say so." Raven muttered.

"There's nothing wrong with Speedy, you know." said Argent.

"But there will be, after I kill him." said Raven.

Argent shrugged. "Well anyway, if we're going to do this, you better lose the hood."

Argent carefully lowered Raven's hood, and tried to straighten her hair a bit. "Oh, now that's much more like it. I don't know why you always wear that hood. See and be seen, that's what I say. That nice purple hair, those lovely big blue-violet eyes. The cute little elf-nose. Already, I'm getting a distinct sense of yummy."

"Um, please don't get a sense of yummy." Raven said.

"I'm just trying to help your confidence, is all." said Argent.

"Well somehow it's having the opposite effect." said Raven.

"Fine, no more of that," Argent said, "let's just get on with this. I'll distract the Krypto-critter, so you can move in and work your magic."

"Wait a minute. What magic?" Raven asked.

"Oh, you know," Argent said impatiently, "chat him up, beguile him, use your ingrained instincts."

"Um, I don't have any of those. Ingrained instincts, I mean." Raven said.

"Don't be daft," said Argent, "of course you have ingrained instincts. Everyone does. Stop hesitating, let's just get on with this."

Raven sighed. "I was raised in a transversely-aligned trans-dimension. By people who had no word for... yummy. So, I haven't any ingrained instincts."

"You mean, none at all?" Argent said incredulously.

Raven shook her head. "Nope. None at all. That's why I knew that this would never work."

Argent looked exasperated. "Oh no you don't. You are not going to mope out like this. Right, then. You don't have any instincts? Fine. We'll just have to improvise, won't we? Wait here, I'll be right back."

Argent darted around the cedar hedge, and back along the garden path. Raven wondered what the heck she was up to.

Argent reappeared two minutes later, and she wasn't alone.

"Will you please hurry up? We need your help with something." said Argent.

"I could walk a lot faster, if you weren't dragging me by the ear." griped Beast Boy.

"What the hell is this?" Raven demanded.

"This is an object lesson," Argent explained, "and this object, is the first boy that I could find. You may not have any instincts, but you're damn good at memorizing things. Watch, and learn."

"Hey, I'm not an object!" Beast Boy objected.

"Hey, be quiet for a minute," said Argent, "we just need your help, with a sociological experiment."

"A sociological experiment?" Beast Boy said worriedly, "Does that mean that it involves radiation?"

"Unfortunately, no." said Raven.

"We just need you to stand over there, and act unsuspecting." said Argent.

"Well, I suppose I can do that," Beast Boy said, "but this better not be something dangerous."

"Not dangerous, just dumb." said Raven.

"Oh, will you please stop whingeing?" Argent said testily, "Honestly, I've never seen the like of you, for rabbitting on about the simplest things. You need to concentrate. All right, now look at Beast Boy."

Beast Boy was standing on the far side of the rock garden, looking vaguely bewildered.

"Okay, I see him." said Raven.

"Okay." said Argent. "Now, I want you to imagine that he is Aqualad."

"I don't think that you can expect me to have that much imagination." said Raven.

"Will you just try?" said Argent.

Raven looked at Beast Boy, and tried to imagine that he was Aqualad. It was exceedingly difficult and annoying.

"Okay. Now what?" Raven asked.

"You're going to have to get his attention. Smile at him." Argent said.

"Couldn't I just throw a rock at him?" said Raven.

"Raven, please." said Argent.

Raven forced herself to smile at Beast Boy. "Okay, how's this?"

"You need to try harder," Argent instructed, "try tilting your head at a coquettish angle."

"Well, what's a coquettish angle, exactly?" Raven asked.

Argent gritted her teeth. "It's exactly three point seven degrees. Crikey, you really don't have any instincts, do you? This isn't rocket physics. Just tilt your head slightly, and smile at him."

Argent demonstrated by tilting her head, and smiling engagingly at Beast Boy. Raven tried her best to imitate her friend's example.

On the other side of the rock garden, Beast Boy wondered what the heck was going on. This was supposed to be some kind of experiment, but now Argent and Raven were staring at him, and smiling. They were both highly weird, Beast Boy thought. Two different flavors of weird; Raven was kind of Goth-weird, and Argent was kind of British-weird. But the fact remained, he was alone in the garden, with two weird girls, who were smiling at him. They were definitely up to something. Maybe he should run like heck, while he still had the chance... On the other hand, maybe he shouldn't... It was all very confusing...

Argent tapped Raven on the shoulder. "Okay, it looks like we have his attention. Now, we proceed to Phase Two."

"Um, what's Phase Two?" said Raven.

"We take a few steps toward him." said Argent.

"Oh, joy." said Raven.

Raven grimly took a few steps in Beast Boy's direction.

"No, wait, you're doing it all wrong." Argent said.

"What, so now I'm walking wrong?" said Raven.

"Well, yes you are," Argent explained, "you don't just march straight up, like a sentry. Pretend that you are following a gentle curve, not a straight line. Take a few steps, then hesitate. Look away, like you've been momentarily distracted by something."

"But I haven't been distracted by anything." Raven said.

Argent smiled. "But he doesn't know that, does he? The hesitation and distraction allows you to temporarily break eye-contact, so you can re-establish it after a few seconds."

"And this hesitation, it's an important thing?" Raven asked.

"Oh, it's a crucial thing." said Argent.

"This is damned complicated." said Raven.

"Just get on with it." said Argent.

Raven imitated Argent, taking a few steps towards Beast Boy, then stopping and hesitating.

"Okay, now what?" said Raven.

"Now, Phase Three, we re-establish eye-contact." said Argent. "Remember to smile."

Raven looked at Beast Boy, and smiled. Beast Boy was looking increasingly nervous.

"Give him a bit of a look." said Argent.

"Like what?" said Raven.

"Sort of a cool, appraising glance." said Argent.

Raven tried to give Beast Boy her best approximation of a cool appraising glance. Beast Boy's eyes widened noticeably.

"Now, give him a bit of a flirt. Bite your lower lip, a little." Argent said.

"I will like hell." Raven protested.

"Remember Aqualad?" Argent asked.

Raven flinched, and then bit her lower lip a little. Beast Boy seemed downright jittery at this point.

"Okay, now for Phase Four," said Argent, "the closing approach. I'll do the talking, you just have to pay attention."

"Can I thtop biting my lower lip now?" said Raven.

"Yes of course you can stop biting your lower lip, you ninny," Argent said, "Here I am, trying to help you, and I swear it's like trying to teach a squirrel to play badminton."

"Hey, now that's really good for my confidence." Raven muttered.

"Never mind, I know that you're trying your best," said Argent, "I just wish that you weren't quite so clueless. Anyway, this next bit is rather tricky, so watch closely. Now, this isn't going to be very subtle, but we don't have all the time in the world, and you're up against Supergirl, after all."

"Gee, thanks for reminding me." Raven said.

Raven watched closely as Argent slowly walked up to Beast Boy. Argent smiled as she lightly ran her index finger along the collar of Beast Boy's tunic, and said "Well, hello there. You know, you look like a bit of all right. Yes, I don't mind the look of you, at all."

And then Argent winked at Beast Boy. Beast Boy's eyes crossed and his knees went all wobbly, and he fell backwards into the cedar hedge.

"Hee-ah yee, wee-hee-ah..." burbled Beast Boy.

"Hmm, a slight case of overbombing, perhaps." Argent said.

"Oh, but Beast Boy is always falling down and gibbering incoherently," Raven said, as she reached down and helped him to his feet, "this doesn't prove anything. And anyway, it really doesn't seem very subtle, or frankly, very civilized."

Argent looked at Raven, and raised an eyebrow. "Do you want subtle and civilized, or do you want Aqualad?"

Beast Boy's dazed expression abruptly vanished, and he gave a loud yelp. "Aqualad? You mean this is all about Aqualad? But Raven, Aqualad is way out of your league!"

"What did you just say?" Raven growled.

"Erm, only that Aqualad is in no way out of your league." Beast Boy hastily amended.

Argent tried to brush some of the cedar twigs from Beast Boy's tunic. "Anyway, you've been a huge help, but it would be best if you didn't mention this to anyone."

Raven nodded. "If you breathe a word of this to anyone, I'll rip your tongue out by the roots."

"Oh, I won't tell anyone about this," said Beast Boy, "but if you ask me, both of you are completely coo-coo labanza."

"Oh yeah? Well, you're koo-koo for cocoa puffs." said Raven.

Beast Boy shook his fist at Raven. Raven shook her fist at Beast Boy. Beast Boy turned and stalked away, muttering to himself about weird girls, and the various laws that should be enacted against them.

"There's nothing wrong with Beast Boy, you know." Argent said.

Raven scoffed. "Him? Oh please. He's barely verbal."

"It's just that I can't help noticing that the two of you seem to be on the same wavelength, somehow." said Argent.

"Repulsive little parasite." said Raven.

"Oh, he's not as bad as all that." said Argent.

"I meant you." said Raven.

"Oh, now that's nice." Argent said, as she put her hand on Raven's shoulder and guided her toward the garden path. "Come along, Princess Charming. You're as ready as I can make you, time to face the music."

"I have a very bad feeling about this." said Raven.

Raven and Argent walked along the cobblestone path, until they came to an opening in the cedar hedge, where they could observe Aqualad and Supergirl from a distance. Raven felt sick.

"I feel sick." said Raven.

"Oh come on, you have to be bold about these things," Argent said, "it's no good getting froze toes, now. We just have to wait for the right moment."

Down in the garden, Supergirl walked away from Aqualad, and started moving in the direction of the buffet tables.

"Okay, this is our chance." Argent said. "I'll keep Super-gurgle distracted for as long as I can, you wait a minute, and then move in."

"I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this." Raven said.

"Raven, please! There's no time to hesitate!" Argent said urgently.

"I can't, I just can't." Raven said miserably. "I'm not cut out for this. I would only make a mess of things. I can't go through with it."

Argent took Raven by the shoulders. "I believe that you can. You have to believe it, too. This could be a defining moment, Raven. You can do this. Or you can hide behind cedar shrubberies for the rest of your life."

"I'm sorry Argie," Raven said, "but you know what I'm like. And I know what I'm like. I don't know what I was thinking."

"Try not to think so much." said Argent. "Not everything is doom and disaster, you know. Just give yourself a chance. With any luck, Aqualad will whisk you off your feet, and the next thing you know, you'll both be sipping champagne, in his pineapple under the sea."

"I just don't know." said Raven.

"And there's only one way to find out." Argent said. "I know you can do this. I have to start now. You wait a minute, then move. Remember to smile. Good luck, and tally-ho."

Argent gave Raven a quick hug for luck, and then walked quickly down into the garden.

"Tally-ho." said Raven.

Tally-ho indeed, Raven thought. Who did she think she was kidding? This would never work. It would be insane, to even try. A defining moment, fine then. Definition of Raven: a small transdimensional entity, who is not going to go through with this. No way.

Raven turned away from the garden. And found herself facing a cedar shrubbery.

Damn.

Damn Argent. Damn her, and damn her insane, most likely British optimism. Damn it all.

Raven turned around, and started walking down into the garden, towards Aqualad. She kept walking, until she was close enough to get his attention.

Raven smiled.

(Meanwhile...)

Supergirl was standing at a buffet table, filling two glasses with lemonade from an insulated stainless steel pitcher. Argent walked up to her, tapped her on the shoulder, and smiled.

"Excuse me, but aren't you someone famous?" Argent said innocently. "Haven't I seen you on the television, or in magazines or something?"

Supergirl smiled. "Well, I suppose it's entirely possible."

Argent grinned and clapped her hands. "I knew it! You're one of those Hawaiian Tropic bikini girls, aren't you? And, didn't you win the international wet t-shirt competition in Miami last month?"

... And then Argent screamed and ran for her life, because an enraged Kryptonian was chasing her. She leapt from the nearest balcony and soared high into the twilight sky, with Supergirl hot on her heels.

Get back here, you little tinfoil scarecrow!" Supergirl yelled.

"Criminy! It was only a joke!" Argent shrieked. "Where's your humour?"

"My humor is on the toe of my left boot," Supergirl shouted, "wanna know where it's going?"

Oh bloody hell, Argent thought, as she zigzagged and darted through the air, frantically trying to evade the super-powered Krypto-girl who was murderously intent on murdering her.

(Meanwhile...)

Raven smiled at Aqualad. Aqualad smiled back at Raven. Raven felt extremely nervous, and sick. She tried to remember what to do next, realized that she couldn't, and then realized that she was running on a kind of autopilot. It wasn't like conscious thought, more like some Argent-weird checklist that was counting down in her brain. The smile and head-tilt, check. The meandering approach and hesitation, check. The cool glance and, um, flirt-thing, check and double-check. The closing approach thing, check and oh hell, now Raven was standing a few feet from Aqualad, and she would have to think of what to say.

Aqualad was staring at her. Raven would have to say something, now. She tried feverishly to remember what it was that Argent had said to Beast Boy. It had seemed so very coy and clever.

"Erm, h-hello there." Raven stammered. "Um, you look, like you're bitten. All right. Ah, I don't mind at all. Look at you."

Raven's heart sank. That had sounded neither coy nor clever, in fact it had sounded nonsensical, and borderline psychotic. Aqualad must surely be thinking that she was a total nutbar.

But then, Aqualad stared into Raven's eyes, and brushed a stray lock of hair from her face. And then, putting one of his arms behind her back and another supporting her legs, he gently lifted her off the ground.

Um. Aqualad had just quite literally whisked Raven off her feet. Hmm. So apparently Argent knew what she was talking about. Imagine that. Hmm. Yes, well. Raven didn't feel sick anymore.

Raven decided that it was probably best not to try to say anything, for the moment. Best not to risk another spontaneous foray into garbled syntax. Aqualad had just lifted her off the ground, and now he was carrying her. Not that Raven thought that this was a good idea, but then maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, either. Hey, no point in raising a fuss over it. Sometimes you just had to put up with things. She could probably put up with this. If Aqualad wanted to whisk her off her feet, that was probably okay.

Really, it was probably more than okay.

And, if he wanted to carry her away, somewhere beyond the sea, to a palatial estate where she would live like royalty, and he would tell her what a wise and brilliant and beautiful Raven she was, well, she could probably learn to tolerate that, too. Raven wondered what champagne tasted like.

Aqualad carried Raven over to a garden bench, and carefully sat her down. Then, he walked to a nearby table, and picked up a bottle of Tahiti Treat, and some Evian and a linen napkin. Not exactly champagne, but it was definitely a start, Raven thought. Raven hoped that Aqualad didn't think that he had to wait on her, hand and foot. Just because he was whisking her away to some magnificent castle, he didn't have to treat her like a princess. Raven decided that she would tell him this, only maybe not right away. It would be more polite to wait a little while, a few weeks maybe. No point in seeming rude, after all.

Aqualad uncapped the bottle of Tahiti Treat, and handed it to Raven. Then, he uncapped the Evian, and poured some on the napkin. Odd. And then, Aqualad said

"Raven, are you feeling okay? You were just acting strangely, and then you started... blithering, a bit. I think that you might have a touch of sunstroke, and maybe dehydration. I know a lot about dehydration. Just rest here, and sip this fruit juice. I'll go find Robin, he will have some electrolyte tablets in his utility belt."

Aqualad put the damp napkin on Raven's forehead, and walked off to find Robin.

Oh. So, Aqualad was not smitten with Raven, after all. No, Aqualad thought that Raven was suffering from dehydration. But Raven knew that she was suffering from Argent-induced idiocy. Yes, Argent was an idiot. And Raven was an even bigger idiot, because she had listened to Argent. Yes, and now Raven was sitting with an idiotic napkin on her idiotic forehead, waiting for Aqualad to return with some idiotic pills from Robin's idiotic utility belt. All because she had listened to Argent, the idiot.

And just then, Argent the idiot re-appeared, walking up the path towards Raven. Argent was looking a bit worse for wear and slightly dishevelled, her t-shirt was torn in places and she had some pine cones sticking in her hair.

"Oh, there you are." said Argent.

"Hello, idiot." said Raven.

Argent sighed, and shook her head. "Oh dear. As bad as that, is it? Tell me what happened."

"He thinks I'm sick." said Raven.

"And not in a good way, I gather." said Argent.

Raven was about to say something grievously sarcastic, when suddenly Aqualad reappeared. He was carrying a small foil package of electrolyte tablets.

"Oh, hi Argent," Aqualad said, "you're looking... very avant-garde, this evening. Have you been keeping an eye on our patient?"

"You better hurry, I think she's fading fast." said Argent.

Raven opened her mouth to object, but Aqualad popped three electrolyte tablets in her mouth before she could say anything.

"Robin said that you should chew these, and try to get re-hydrated." Aqualad said.

"Maybe you should take her pulse." Argent suggested.

Aqualad nodded, and put the palm of his hand against the side of Raven's neck. "Hmm, her pulse does seem slightly accelerated. You know, a dark-colored cloak in direct sunlight probably isn't the best idea. Dark fabrics are a real heat magnet."

Argent nodded. "Oh, she's a right little heat magnet, our Raven. You have no idea."

"Are you feeling any better now, Rae?" Aqualad asked.

"Um, much better. I'm fine now, thanks." Raven said.

"I'm not so sure," Argent said, "in fact I wonder if she might need a bit of the rescue breathing."

Raven glared at Argent.

Aqualad smiled. "Oh, I don't think that she needs any rescue breathing. Just as long as she keeps drinking fluids, and make sure that she rests quietly for a while."

"I'll sit on her if I have to." said Argent.

"You know Rae, you're very lucky to have a friend like Argent." Aqualad said.

"Yes, I have no idea what I did to deserve her." said Raven.

"Just take care of yourself, Rae." Aqualad said. "I'll be back to check on you in a little while."

Then Aqualad leaned forward, and kissed Raven on the nose. And then he walked away.

"Well, that was certainly something." said Argent.

"That, was an unmitigated catastrophe." said Raven.

"You know, you would sound a lot more convincing, without that big dopey grin on your face." Argent said.

Raven realized that she was grinning like a dope, and self-consciously shook it off.

"That's more like it," Argent said, "back to the good old grim and inscrutable."

"I'm not grim and inscrutable." said Raven.

Argent sat down on the bench next to Raven, and picked up the bottle of Tahiti Treat.

"He kissed me. On the nose." Raven said.

"I know. I was right here." said Argent.

"What is the significance of a kiss on the nose?" Raven wondered. "Was it like, a sympathy-kiss? Or a therapeutic, feel-better kiss? What does it mean?"

"Oh, I know what it means." said Argent.

"Well, tell me." said Raven.

"Hmm, don't think I will," Argent said pettishly, "apparently, some people think I'm an idiot."

"Don't be vindictive." Raven said.

"Oh, you're one to talk." said Argent.

"Tell me, tell me!" Raven demanded.

Argent sighed. "All right, I will tell you. Since you asked so nicely. It all comes down to body language. He leaned forward, and thought about kissing you on the forehead. But he couldn't do that, because of that napkin you have stuck to your head. So then he thought about kissing you on the mouth, but he didn't want to do that, not with me watching anyway. So he compromised, and kissed you on the nose."

Raven bolted to her feet. "You mean he would've kissed me on the mouth, if it wasn't for you?" she said peevishly.

"Hey, he wouldn't have kissed you at all if it wasn't for me." Argent protested. "Oh, and by the way, when someone mentions rescue breathing, that's your cue to fake a swoon. You may not have any instincts, but do you have to be so utterly gormless?"

"Faking a swoon would be unconscionably devious." said Raven.

"Well, duh." said Argent.

Raven stared at Argent in disbelief. Then she remembered that Argent was, after all, Argent. So, she stared at her in belief, for a while. Finally, she sat down beside her again on the bench.

"So, he kissed me on the nose, but he really wanted to kiss me on the mouth." Raven said.

"I believe that you have it surrounded." Argent said wearily.

"Do you think that it means... that he likes me?" Raven asked.

Argent slapped herself on the forehead. "Raven, he kissed you. Do you think that he did that to torture himself? Of course he likes you."

"Oh." said Raven.

"Yes. Quite." said Argent.

"And did you notice that he kept calling me Rae?" Raven said. "That's the affectionate diminutive of Raven."

Argent nodded. "So, he thinks you're affectionate. And diminutive. Can't be bad."

Raven pondered all this for a moment. Argent swallowed some Tahiti Treat, and coughed up some pine needles. Raven abruptly noticed that her friend was covered in pine cones and twigs.

"Hey, what the heck happened to you, anyway?" Raven asked.

"Oh, you mean the foliage, and so forth?" Argent said. "It's a bit of a funny story, actually. I was talking to Supergirl, and during the course of our conversation, she somehow took offense over some totally innocuous remark. So she starts chasing me all over the sky, screaming about how she is going to kill me, and that I'm dead meat, and blah blah blah. Fortunately, I managed to duck into her blind spot, and crash-dive into the forest. That's how I was able to lose her."

Raven looked at Argent. "You mean, you managed to outfly Supergirl? Like, wow Argie. I've never heard of anyone who could outfly a Kryptonian."

Argent rinsed her mouth with Tahiti Treat, and spat on the ground. "I didn't outfly her, I outmaneuvered her. And let me tell you, it was no fun at all, at the time. Like having a heat-seeker on your tail. She's a surprisingly persistent little minx."

"You got that right." Supergirl snarled, as she fell from the air and landed in front of the two Titans. Raven and Argent both jumped to their feet, because this was a surprise.

"Ah, hello." said Raven.

"Oh crap." said Argent.

Supergirl advanced menacingly. "Do you have any idea what I'm going to do to you?"

"Probably something rather horrid." Argent said, nervously.

"Um, I think that there has been a huge misunderstanding." Raven said, also nervously.

"Oh, there's no misunderstanding," Supergirl said, "some little freak and her misfit friend have been bothering me. And now, I'm going to beat both of them to a greyish-silvery pulp."

"Just out of curiosity, which one of us is the freak, and which one's the misfit?" Raven asked.

"Oh great, now little Raven wants to play twenty questions." Argent muttered.

"You lame-ass losers think that you can make a joke out of anything, don't you?" Supergirl said viciously. "Well, let's see you laugh your way out of this."

Supergirl tore a cast-iron lamp-post out of the ground, and held it over her head, as if she was preparing to brain the two frightened Titans with it, which apparently she was.

"Oh careful, Robin really likes that lamp!" yipped Raven.

Argent looked at Raven with barely-contained panic. "Raven dear girl, before we get killed or something, and if it's not too much trouble, could you do that voodoo that you do?"

Raven nodded. "Oh, you mean something like Azarath, Metrion..."

"... Zinthos?"

Raven and Argent materialized in downtown Jump City, in front of a coffee shop.

"Yes, something like that." Argent said.

"Sometimes it's good to be me." said Raven.

"Where are we, exactly?" said Argent.

"We're at the Starbucks on the corner of Xebico and Danforth," Raven said, "oh, and you're buying."

"Lead on, misfit." said Argent.

"Right this way, freak." said Raven.

(three minutes later)

Raven and Argent were sitting at a table in Starbucks, drinking cups of Outer Mongolian Mocha coffee.

"So, you really think that Aqualad likes me?" Raven said.

"For the twentieth time, yes he really likes you." Argent said. "You know, there comes a point when insecurity crosses the line, from endearing to irritating."

"Maybe he likes me because I'm mysterious." said Raven.

"You know what would be really mysterious?" said Argent, "you could buy me a piece of black forest cake."

"It's expensive, get it yourself." said Raven.

"Don't be mean, I've had a trying day." said Argent.

(five minutes later)

Argent and Raven were sitting at a table in Starbucks, sharing a piece of black forest cake.

"Hmm, this cake has a high level of cocoa solids." said Raven.

"Most people would just say that it was good." said Argent.

"Well, that's what I meant." said Raven.

"See, that's the great thing about you," Argent said, "you're always saying strange things. You're like a long, peculiar festival of weirdness. You might seem creepy and irksome at first, but you're an acquired taste. Like Fellini films, or kidney pie."

"I'm creepy and irksome?" said Raven.

"Only at first." said Argent.

"But Aqualad likes me, right?" said Raven.

Argent sighed. "Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes."

"Well, that's good," said Raven, "because I always enjoy discussing paranormal phenomena with him."

Argent made a wry face. "Oh mercy, are we back to that again?"

"I don't know what you mean." said Raven.

"Of course you don't." said Argent.

Raven shrugged. "Well anyway, I guess that we can't go back to the Tower, for a while. What with Supergirl wanting to kill us, and stuff."

"Oh, I'm sure she'll get bored, eventually," Argent said, "and anyway, as long as she's chasing us, she won't be chasing Aqualad."

"Well, that's true, isn't it?" Raven said happily.

Argent nodded. "And soon enough, you'll be able to start chasing Aqualad, yourself. There's always next week, or next month.

... And in the meantime, there's always Beast Boy."

"Are you having a laugh?" said Raven.

(Pause. Stop.)


	2. Chapter 2

(Support the new "Teen Titans Go!" tv series, coming to Cartoon Network in 2013! For more details, visit TGNMemory!)

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(Note: This is a retelling of the events of "The Party", retold in fanfic form by none other than intrepid fanfic scribbler, Beast Boy!)

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** Beast Boy**  
(Teen Titan)

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Hey, Dudes and Dudettes!

Isn't this a great place? Lots of amazing Teen Titans fanfic!

And, there's even a section with Justice League fanfic.

So senior citizens can have something to read, I suppose.

(Because the Justice League is like, really really old.)

(They are like, totally ancient.)

(And they have that "old people smell" about them.)

(Old and smelly, smelly old Justice League...)

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Anyway, it's time for more splendiferous infotainment!

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(Based on a true story!)

**Clash of the Chicks: Argent vs Supergirl !**

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One day, there was a summer garden party on Titans Island. Everybody showed up, it was very nice, there were eight different kinds of potato salad.

Jericho was on top of a great big rock in the garden, playing his guitar. There were plastic wading pools full of ice cubes and bottles of pop and fruit juice. Everybody was standing around, talking and eating sandwiches and stuff.

Suddenly, something happened. _Supergirl _came gliding down from the sky, and she landed lightly on the big rock, right next to where Jericho was sitting. Everybody was surprised, people said "Hey, it's Supergirl!" Supergirl smiled and waved at everybody. Supergirl was incredibly beautiful, so beautiful that she almost seemed to shine with an angelic inner light. Which was totally amazing.  
Um, if you like that sort of thing.

So anyway after a while some other stuff happened. And a while after that, Supergirl was standing around the buffet tables.

Yes, Supergirl was standing around the buffet tables, and she was very pretty, I suppose. Yes. She was wearing little shiny red vinyl go-go boots, and a sky-blue ultra-sheer spandex microskirt, and a little red cape, and a brilliant white half-tee shirt that just fit snug as shrink-wrap. Yes. And she had cascading radiant blonde hair, and eyes that were just so impossibly blue, blue as arctic glacier ice, yes.

Um, what was I doing again? Oh yes, I'm writing a story. Hmm.

So anyway, Supergirl was standing around the buffet tables. And Beast Boy also just happened to be standing around the buffet tables. You know, just completely casual and innocent, just sort of standing around. Minding his own business, that type of thing.

But Robin was also standing around the buffet tables, and he was like totally blatantly obviously just checking out Supergirl. And Beast Boy thought, gee Robin is such a total perv.

So anyway, Beast Boy was just standing around minding his own business, and Robin was standing there gawking at Supergirl and practically drooling like a goon.

But then, something happened. Argent walked up to Supergirl, and the two of them started talking about something. But then, Supergirl got really mad at Argent, and started yelling at her. Then Argent got really scared, and jumped off the balcony and flew away, with Supergirl in totally hot pursuit.

Beast Boy wondered what the heck was going on, so he morphed into a peregrine falcon and flew after them. Supergirl was still shouting at Argent and trying to catch her, but Argent was using a lot of sneaky maneuvers to escape. It was an epic battle of chick versus chick! Finally, Argent did a particularly tricky half-turn roll and dive, and disappeared from the sky. Supergirl looked all around, but couldn't find her.

Anyway, after a while Beast Boy got bored of watching Supergirl, and flew back to the island. Nothing much happened for a while. Eventually the party started to wind down, and people said their goodbyes and headed home.

After a while, all the guests had left. Robin, Starfire, Cyborg and Beast Boy cleaned up a little here and there, and then walked back to the tower.

"Hey, where is Raven?" said Beast Boy.

"She was around earlier." said Robin.

"She must be around here somewhere." said Cyborg.

"Perhaps she is in the kitchen." said Starfire.

So the Titans looked in the kitchen, but Raven wasn't there. Just at that moment, there was a whooshing sound, and Supergirl stalked into the kitchen. She seemed very angry.

"Where are Raven and Argent?" Supergirl demanded.

"We don't know." said Robin.

"Fine. I will just wait for them." Supergirl said angrily. Then she pulled up a chair and sat down at the kitchen table. She started drumming her fingers on the table, and her fingers were leaving dents in the table.

"Um, your fingers are making dents in the table." said Cyborg.

"How about that." said Supergirl.

"Um, I could get you a coaster, for your fingers." said Cyborg.

Supergirl glared at Cyborg.

"Or not." said Cyborg.

Beast Boy wondered what Argent and Raven had done to make Supergirl so mad.  
Those two were always getting into situations, thought Beast Boy.

Then Beast Boy thought that maybe he could make Supergirl calm down, by offering her a slice of cold pizza.

"Um, would you like a slice of cold pizza?" Beast Boy said to Supergirl.

"Beat it, twerp." Supergirl said to Beast Boy.

"Yeesh!" said Beast Boy.

Then Robin thought that maybe he could make Supergirl calm down, by offering her a Teen Titans communicator.

"Um, would you like a Teen Titans communicator?" Robin said to Supergirl.

Supergirl took the communicator from Robin, and crushed it in her fist. Then she threw it over her shoulder. Most of it landed in the kitchen sink.

"Yikes!" said Robin.

Then Starfire thought that maybe she could make Supergirl calm down, by talking about alien things.

"Um, greetings, good Kryptonian." Starfire said to Supergirl. "Um, enjoy the Reticulan opera, do you? It is both melodic and symphonic, would you not say?"

"Is there some reason that you are talking like Yoda?" Supergirl said to Starfire.

"Oh." said Starfire.

Then the Titans all more or less decided that it might be best to hide in the basement, until Supergirl went away.

So anyway, the Titans all hid quietly in the basement. After a few hours, Beast Boy said "Do you think it might be safe to go upstairs now?"

"Let's wait a bit longer." said Robin.

Then after a few more hours, Cyborg said "Would anyone like to go upstairs now?"

"No, I like it down here." said Starfire. "There is a board of darts, and a table of billiards. And no enraged Kryptonians."

And then after a few more hours, the basement window opened, and Raven and Argent snuck into the basement.

"Aha." said Robin.

"Have you guys seen Supergirl?" said Raven.

"Yes, she is waiting upstairs." said Cyborg.

"Waiting to kill you two." said Beast Boy.

"Oh dear." said Argent.

"What trouble have you two caused?" said Starfire.

"A complete misunderstanding." said Raven.

"Really not our fault." said Argent.

"A likely story." said Robin.

So the Titans all hid in the basement until the next morning.

"Does anyone want to check upstairs?" said Robin.

"No, I'm rather attached to my arms." said Argent.

"Yeah, I've grown accustomed to my face." said Raven.

So the Titans remained hidden in the basement for a few days. There was a freezer full of popsicles, which they ate. First they ate the orange popsicles, then the grape popsicles, and lastly the lemon popsicles.

Finally after three days, the Titans were completely out of popsicles, so they decided to carefully creep upstairs. Supergirl was nowhere to be seen.

So anyway, the Titans all felt a bit sick from living on popsicles for three days. And Robin wanted Raven and Argent to explain what they did to make Supergirl so mad, but they refused to explain. (But it stands to reason that it must have been something quite awful.) And that was basically all that happened, more or less.

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THE END

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(But I can write more, if you want.)

(Or maybe I shouldn't.)

(I might get into trouble, with certain persons.)

(Like, for example, Raven and Argent, hypothetically.)


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